This web log is no more.

I've moved on. to wordpress.

zero points if you can guess my new url correctly.

1 million points if you can't. 

So long.

Today was a horrible, horrible day. 

It started off with Physics I wanted to cry throughout the whole bloody lesson I was so disgusted with my level of stupidity.

I was soooooooo scared for chinese only because I was the bloody last to get my results. ok fine, second last. I got the worst possible grades for me to not have to take clb. S and a Pass. ho yeah I'm gaddamned dumb.

and then training. I capped like 5 times and every time I capped I got mad. the last 2 times I capped I cried. it was out of anger and frustration. unfortunately, that new teacher had to be there. and she kept asking me what was wrong, I could tell she wanted me to talk. but I can't talk when I'm angry. My head throbs and my ears will be blocked; exactly what happened. 

then I lost it. I lost it in front of the boys, at the boys. despicable, odious, detestable, I know. when I reached school with Joel I felt so so ugly. I felt so guilty and I was so mad at myself. I cried in the shower, I cried sitting at the PUB alone, I cried I cried I cried.

I must say I am grateful to that new pe teacher for helping me today. and I am so embarrassed she had to see the ugly side of me, first time, firsthand. on top of that, I think I owe Troy Chong like 200 push ups for saying the f-word 10 bloody times in front of him. I was so disrespectful. ):

I fricking hate bleedy school. and CTs next week and me being so damn distracted and bothered is not helping at all.

I'm the pretender.

So sick of all the bullying in class. 

it takes 1% or maturation in BOYS to shut the FUCK up about a girl's appearance, especially her weight. I would really like to see that sonuvabitch that was so fucking insensitive and RUDE to my friend and give him a good telling. I don't know why, but the past week I've had violent thoughts in my head. he's from ODAC and previously from HI that is one son of a mother fucker. sounds like a total Ah Beng to me. and I don't care if he has a fucking parang or not in his fucking nsk bag I want to see him. 

you know who are the people who are worse than bullies? those who deny they're bullies. mother fucking DOGS. 

I'm so sick of school. It's sucking my soul, eating away my time, toying with my feelings. It's a dreadful place to be. I hate it. I'm so fucking miserable there. and Everyday some shit happens. the same shit ALWAYS happens. and every time it happens I feel like dropping everything and going to China. 

why do I have to be so fucking stupid? why do people have to constantly remind me how stupid I am? 

Times like these I wish I never existed. I will be looked down upon my whole life. Fuck it.

Need I say more?

:'(

"And maybe I'll sleep at the station because there's nothing to go home to but an empty fridge and some stale mayonnaise.

And maybe I'll make friends with the guys sleeping under cardboard boxes and newspapers and we'll discuss what it means to love and to live.

And maybe I'll wander the city, one lost particle in a dust storm of Mondays, late nights and reports due yesterday.

And maybe I'll get on a plane or a ship and get lost in places I've never been lost in before.

And maybe I'll keep my phone on me in case you call. And tell me there's something to come home to."

Ciao.

Compliments

Let's see, today Miss Olsen came into class saying that she realised that I can actually write. which must've been quite a shock (relief perhaps?) to her after my embarrassing and atrocious compre marks. Of course I was caught off guard, consider the fact that I was falling asleep during that essay test and I sorta remember being incoherent AS ALWAYS.

the last time I was told to be a good writer was after the first lit assignment last year. my First, was apparently my Best. and after that, they were no more. but then again when people don't sing praises of me and instead, mock me, my morale zooms down to negative infinity and my motivation lost. (still not found, btw) perhaps that's the reason for my poor conduct in school? I mean, look at my class. look at how they taunt me in Physics class, look how they taunt me on twitter about being stupid. look how mean they can be. and my pathetic comprehension marks just made me feel more and more inferior, more and more ashamed, more and more confused. confused only because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing with my life. and my GP performance in school has been horrendous that I am now the ultimate loser in school- good at nothing.

Maybe I get complacent. I don't want to be complacent. I doubt I am anyway. but I could be. 

I'm not a lazy person. and I dare say I'm quite disciplined. I just, have a motivational problem. 

which is eventually also why I had no idea what I can be when I grow up. which is why I think I'm going to be unemployed and poor when I grow up. which is why I don't dare to speak up. are you kidding me? I want to be many things, I want to do many things with my life. Of course I have aspirations. but why the fuck would I want to tell the whole class what I want to be and let them laugh at me more? This is why the world needs more males like Caleb. Sensitive (in the good way) and thoughtful. 

so, are compliments good or bad for me? I don't know.

I was so beat up yesterday when I bought the fucken career guide. I went through the whole damn thing and when I see something that catches my eye, I look at the requirement and TURN OFF PLEASE???? can we have career opportunities for people like me; good at nothing? oh my lao tian ye. (I actually cried. yes, when Joel wasn't looking. I was very affected ok?!)

Xanga's pms-ing like a bitch now so I can't show you something I want to show you. so bye.

trials 2 start tomorrow and I must say I really am psyched babeh! 

HELL YEAH! 

its going to be the BEST TRIALS EVER! damn fun. damn fun. damn fun. because Im'ma be there bitches!

on a side note, school's raping the shit out of me. lots of homework. lots of SHIT. I hate it. I hate tutorials.

I mean seriously, who the fuck in their right minds would ask a genuine question in physics tutorial? Not. Me. yeah call me a coward but after seeing the way the class responds to Wesley's questions as well as the look on the physics tutor's face, no way. I hate it when people make fun of me. it could be Bjorn it could be Abrar it could be Russell it could be Lianjie it could be ShiCheng. Its Bjorn its Abrar its Russell its Lianjie its ShiCheng. the only person I can go to for help without feeling like the dumbest fucking shit in the whole wide world would be Raymond. which is why I get angry when the boys pick on him. 

and I'm getting really sick of math tutorial. sure the math tutor can be entertaining at times, best tutor, consider the number of years of his experience. but That day was the last fucking straw. you don't ask a question and when given a wrong answer threaten to faint/ kill yourself. how in the world is anybody going to learn anything in your class?! What if I really don't have a clue? What if I'm not sure? 

seriously, are the teachers there to help us or to mock us?

I'm confused.

I like how my gc told me this.